I awake
with words in my mouth
contemplate them briefly
until the light of day streams in
kicking all syllables aside

I rise
with a pounding in my head
a tightness in my chest
know the pounding will not cease
the tightness uncoil
unless I pop a pill
stop staring at the light so intently

I resist now
have stopped my nightly pill routine
the one that is designed to keep
the pounding, the tightness, at bay

I wish
to be me, to be that
which existed before I was told
what I should be

I look at
my dwindling bank account
it tells me
I am a fool, childish

I hope
to return to my center
open my eyes and not see
a blinding light of oblivion
instead a passageway to brilliance 
where the darkest corners 
are filled with the secrets of old

I continue 
feeling guilty, just risen
sitting on the couch 
morning coffee at 10 am
while he has been awake for hours 
laboring in the stifling heat

I say, listen
but he does not heed the call
the need to shift
but finds comfort in all that is familiar
while I feel suffocated 
trapped inside this pretty little box

Alas, I digress
have digressed for years now
one day I will get to the point
of it all

Awake now
with words in my mouth
I understand them fully
let the light stream through my pores
penetrate me with its  
piercing arrows